As soon as I muttered the words in a drunken ramble I knew that I would have to back it up when the response came and come it did. . . actually not a good sentence to open this story.
“What happens if we do”
To paint this story in the right light I need to back track to where it all began.
In 2011 we bought our home on the corner of our street across the road from an empty block of land which hadn’t been zoned for any development at the time. Fast forward 6 years there is now a block of town houses on the land with about 13 units in total, with enough car parks for 1 per place in the garage. Which led to most of the guests using the side of our block for parking. This in itself didn’t bother me too much, however when it was every Friday/Saturday Night pre-drinks with cars left all weekend and bottles getting smashed on my front lawn I decided enough was enough.
We had conversations with our neighbors, most of which were receptive of our wished except for one. They continued to park, do burnouts, smash glass and even do damage to our property. It wasn’t until a beery afternoon turned wild in MY yard that things took a turn, upon our guests leaving I noticed 4 cars parked along our lawn one parked on our freshly planted natives, in my drunken wisdom I knew exactly what needed to be done. I dashed back in side with the speed of a ninja and went straight to the draw. I pulled out my finest butcher’s knife looked at it and put it back? I proceeded for the best tool for the job?
A corkscrew bottle opener?
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made a break for the front door and tripped over the threshold, but thankfully to my newfound agility and skill I tucked and rolled straight back to my feet, I assure you it was as graceful as it sounds. Before my wife had any idea what I was about to do I had already hit two tires on the first car. . . I proceeded to let three tires on each of the 4 cars down, that will learn them. Weeks went by and not a word was said and till this day they are still unaware of my cunning act of defiance. If you guys are reading this I guess you know now.
Now to give you a little bit of a back story I was in the Navy for a good period of my life so nakedness or wearing very little around people was common place and I have never really needed a reason to get nude other than simply being in the mood, as with every other good idea that has graced my life it is made even clearer when alcohol is introduced, many a night back in my younger years would often end with me naked in one form or another.
I had become known for it.
Now I think you can see where this story is heading, so let’s get back to the fateful night. It was a warm summers evening when our neighbors, the ones we do get along with and I had decided it was time for the annual “bogan barbeque” I guess it’s the equivalent of the great redneck cookout. We wheeled out the BBQ to our driveway, moved out all our outdoor chairs, I think from memory we even had a mattress out there for the kids to play board games on. . . 100% Pure Class. Everything was going along nicely the steaks were sizzling the kids were playing the beers were going down a treat and we were even grilling some watermelon for our local neighborhood vegan, what a night we were having, when out of nowhere a car pulled up on the lawn followed by another and then another. We quickly realized that there was some form of a party happening in the units. Tonight, we would let them park we were feeling festive ourselves after all. Sometime had past when a small little rice burner pulled up in the middle of our front lawn much to my amazement, I leapt into action and when the car of 4 ft Asian teenage females saw me they locked the doors and cracked the window, I politely asked them if they could relocate their vehicle as to not be on top of our sprinklers. They obliged.
All was still going well.
Hours had gone by and countless beers had showed us their best David Blaine impersonation when the young Asian Ladies (I think) appeared from the units with what can best be described as their bearded security guard. As the ladies retrieved their inventory they left behind they retreated to the safety of the housewarming party, the bearded male who was jovial made his way over and sat right down next to me. Being the good bloke that I am I offered him a beer we sat and talked, and he integrated into our gathering of carnivores (and 1 vegan) quiet nicely. He told us they had just moved in and asked what the neighborhood was like mentioning his friends had an issue a month or so prior with tires getting slashed. Quick to my defence I proclaimed it was a brilliant street and nothing like that had happened prior but that very same weekend my friend also had his tires slashed. We joked about it and hoped that it wouldn’t happen again.
More beers had been downed when I politely asked the bearded gentlemen if he could ask his guests not to park on our lawn as we were in the process of trying to establish it and win the title of the streets greenest lawn and vehicles and smashed stubbies were to its detriment, he obliged. It wasn’t until he got up and was heading back to his gathering when the war cry was sounded. 20 metres apart I reminded him “Make sure you and your mates don’t park on my lawn OR ELSE”
The atmosphere was electric the music stopped, and all eyes were on me and my bearded enemy.
Everyone waited with baited breath for his reply and then it came. . . (there’s that word again)
“And What If We Do?”
Not to be outshone in front of my house guests, I said to him that it was in his best interest that he didn’t find out, he asked the same question. I had to reply, I had to uphold my honor, I could not let my families name down, and without a thought these words came out of my mouth. . .
“If you do, then we wrestle, and we do it naked”
Now at this point I had been training about 12 months maybe I wasn’t confident 100% in my skills, but I was confident that 99% of people would not want to wrestle a naked man. Well we all know about the 1% and without a second thought I was standing directly across from this naked bearded warrior who resembled half man half wookie. Now being a man of honour and not to be up staged I whipped off my pants much to the shock of my neighbours. The last words I heard was my wife’s shrill cry of “Luke put your pants back on” but in my head it was translated and I heard the great god Odin shout “Victory or Valhalla” as I sprinted toward my foe.
We collide with the grace, poise and sound of two wilder beast battling for the female attention. As we hit the ground I wish I could say I ended up in the better position thanks to my 12 months of training, however in this situation there was no dominant position as no matter where you were you were vulnerable. I started to set up for a nice sweep quickly to get to mount as I was about to execute the sweep this bearded war axe grabs a handful of my junk. He disengaged we returned to our feet looking at each other to figure out if there was a real victor in this battle. We were both bewildered as each other when the dust settled. I asked him what he did for a living and he replied, “Fuck mate I’m in the Navy, what the fuck do you do?” I burst into laughter and told him I had spent 13 years in myself and wasn’t scared of a naked wrestle I was obviously partial to it. We shook hands as he disappeared in to the night. I put my pants back on turned back to my guests and continued with our night. Needless to say, MUCH more beer was consumed on my guest’s behalf, that was a twist to the night and certainly not what they or any of us had expected.
We never did have another bogan barbeque after that night, nor did we have any cars park on our lawn.
You win, and you learn as they say. . .
Until next time
See you on the mats, or the front lawn. . .